DARIAN Excerpt 01: “Estimating SelfEsteem”
by Ace Trax
Summary: What if: Daria and Quinn were both born as boys? Betareaders appreciated
1. part 1

The Alternate Daria Series:   
"DARIAN" 

Excerpt 01:   
"Estimating Self-Esteem" 

  
  
  


INTRODUCTION:   
What if: Daria and Quinn were both born as boys? 

AUTHOR'S NOTES:   
This fanfiction is modelled after the original Daria Episode 101 "Esteemsters" written by Glenn Eichler. I have used/borrowed/stolen the transcript, without permission from "Outpost Daria". That is why certain dialogues and events are repeated, but not all.   
  


_OPENING SEQUENCE_   
_MUSIC: "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" BY SPLENDORA_   
  


EXT. ROAD IN LAWNDALE – DAY   
_Helen's car, a red sport utility vehicle, is on its way to the Lawndale High School._   


INT. HELEN'S CAR – DAY   
_Helen drives, Quentin sits beside her and Darian is on the backseat. Rock music comes from the car radio, until Helen switches it off to talk with her two sons._

HELEN:   
Boys, this is an important day for you both: The first day at a new school. 

QUENTIN:   
Of course Mom. The first appearance is the most important so please… no cuddling in front of the others. 

HELEN:   
Quentin! That was only once in middle school! 

QUENTIN:   
You made me ridiculous in front of my whole class. 

HELEN: _(rolls her eyes)_   
I told you I was sorry then. But we have moved into a whole new town. Which give you a golden opportunity to make new friends… do you heard what I say Darian? 

DARIAN:   
It seems you think Quentin doesn't need to pay attention to your last statement. 

HELEN:   
Darian! I just want to say to give other people a chance. 

DARIAN:   
As if they ever gave me a chance. 

HELEN:   
Darian!   


EXT. ENTRANCE OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – DAY   
_The car stops in front of the school. Several kids are standing around._

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
By the way mom, Quentin said no cuddling but you still can give him a goodbye smooch. 

QUENTIN VOICE OVER:   
GAH! 

_Quentin leaps out the car, but outside Quentin he gets again a grip on himself and walks self secure to a bunch of boys._

QUENTIN:   
Hey. 

_He passes 3 girls and glances at them with a smile._   
_Then he walks further to a bunch of boys._

QUENTIN:   
Hi, I am Quentin Morgendorffer. 

_Knowing that the 3 girls are still staring at him from behind, he turns swift around to them and gives them a second smile._   
_Then he turns back to the boys and starts to talk about his previous middle school football career in Texas._

ASIAN AMERICAN GIRL:   
He is soooooo *cute*. 

GIRL WITH BROWN BRAIDS:   
Where does he live? 

GIRL WITH A FAKE VALLEY GIRL ACCENT:   
His family must have moved here recently…   
Not that *looks* are important, but he has no driving license. 

_She nods at Helen's car._   


INT. HELEN'S CAR – DAY 

HELEN:   
Darian. I know it is a difficult period of adjustment. 

DARIAN:   
Yes mom. I take care of my little bro. 

HELEN:   
No, Darian I mean… 

DARIAN:   
Bye mom.   


EXT. ENTRANCE OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – DAY   
_Darian gets out the car. The 3 girls take a glimpse at him, and turn their heads away like he was just arriving from a leper colony._

DARIAN: _(mutters)_   
I am feeling already like in my old school.   


INT. SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE – DAY   
_Mrs. Manson is sitting with Quentin._

MRS. MANSON:   
Principle Li has informed you about the small psychological exam you have to take. So let's start now.   
_(she shows Quentin a picture)_   
Make up a little story about what these two people are discussing. 

QUENTIN:   
Let's see... they have been going out for a while, and she is upset because they are not going steady.   
And he says… no he actually make hints that she is not the only girl on this planet. And when she is not able to just accept movies and burgers, then there are others who will. I know it is cruel, but sometimes you should be cruel to be kind. Since nowadays most of the people marry with *thirty* and expecting… 

MRS. MANSON:_ (cutting him off, slightly annoyed by his views of men-women relationships)_   
Very *nice*, Quentin!   


_AFTER SOME TIME_   


INT. SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST OFFICE – DAY   
Mrs. Manson is sitting with Darian. 

MRS. MANSON:   
Principle Li has informed you about the small psychological exam you have to take. So let's start now.   
_(she shows Darian a picture)_   
Now Dorian… 

DARIAN:   
It is Darian. 

MRS. MANSON:   
Excuse me… Now, what do you see in the picture. Darren. 

DARIAN:   
... A herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. 

MRS. MANSON:   
Ponies? 

DARIAN:   
Yes ponies… ridden by fierce Mongols who are about attacking an undefended city. 

MRS. MANSON:   
You are mistaking this for a Rorschach test! In this test, you have to tell me what these two people are discussing about. 

DARIAN:   
Okay it is about two people discussing… a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains ridden by fierce Mongols who are about attacking an undefended city.   


_AFTER SOME TIME_   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – HISTORY CLASS WITH MR. DEMARTINO   
_The recess bell rings._

MR. DEMARTINO:   
Please welcome a new STUDENT joining us today: DARIAN Morgendorffer.   
Please raise your hand.   
_(Darian does so and DeMartino chuckles evil)_   
WELL, as long as you have your hand raised...   
PERHAPS you might enlighten us, by referring a subject about this week UNIT: The Westward Expansion.   
So Darian, can you concisely and unemotionally SUM up for us the doctrine of Manifest Destiny? 

DARIAN:   
I didn't had that subject at my old school yet. 

MR. DEMARTINO:   
I think you KNOW the answer. 

DARIAN: _(trying to be cool)_   
Uhm… It is a kind of catchphrase about the winning of the west with Trekkies? 

MR. DEMARTINO:   
Ah a GLIMPSE of the correct answer, but not enough. More detailed please 

DARIAN:   
I pass. 

MR. DEMARTINO: _(sceptic)_   
You pass? Now look Mr. Morgendorffer, if you think it is cool to flunk on PURPOSE in *MY* history class for the sake of NOT appearing as a BRAIN. Than you can do that AT my colleague Mrs BARCH!   
But in MY class, in MY realms I WON'T tolerate so-called COOL-impersonating practices.   
Either you give me the correct answer or I give the WHOLE class DOUBLE homework and a QUIZ tomorrow. Then you will see if your colleagues WILL accept the charade you are trying to inflict on THEM.   
My son:   
WHAT IS THE MANIFEST DESTINY? 

DARIAN: _(dry with resignation)_   
Manifest Destiny was a popular slogan around the 1840's. It was used by people who claimed it was the Will of God for the USA to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. 

MR. DEMARTINO: _(smiles at him)_   
Very good, as I expected. DARIAN. You shouldn't be afraid of showing OFF your intellect. 

_Darian glares at him. Knowing how cruel preppy kids can be to intellectual kids. He isn't quite surprise about the dialogue taking place behind his back._

HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL QB:   
Eww, a brain! 

HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER:   
Yes, and isn't it strange: They look all the same. 

_Darian scowls at the misery of life._   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Quentin is talking with the 3 girls mentioned above, Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy._

STACY:   
So, you have got any sisters or brothers? 

QUENTIN:   
I am an only child. 

TIFFANY:   
Ohhhhhh… that must be hard to be all alone. 

_Darian passes by._

SANDI:   
*Excuse* me Quentin, but what about *that* boy, who was with you in the car? 

QUENTIN: _(innocent)_   
He is my cousin. He has to live with us, but he is moving out shortly. 

_Unnoticed by them, Darian turns his head around and glares at Quentin._   


INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – KITCHEN – EVENING   
_Jake, Helen, Quentin and Darian are having a lasagne-dinner._

JAKE:   
My son Quentin, in a high school football team. I am so proud of you. 

HELEN:   
Ehem Jake! You have forgotten to ask Darian how his first school day was? 

JAKE:   
Who?… Gah, of course Darian… How was school? 

DARIAN:   
Well, my history teacher has decided to threat me like the son he never had. A circumstance, which undoubtedly has inspired my fellow students to fill the vacant post of the class nerd with me. 

JAKE:   
That is great… Quentin can you show me again you high school jacked? 

HELEN:   
Jake! 

JAKE:   
Helen I said: That is great!   
_(turns to Quentin)_   
Quentin do you think you can become quarterback or even captain? 

_Quentin looks at his wristwatch._

QUENTIN:   
Sorry Dad. No time! I have to hurry, I got a date… well two dates. Bye. 

_Quentin stands up and walks out._

JAKE:   
Ahh, my son, my joy. In a football team and with two dates on a Monday. 

_Darian tries to eat without any expression. Helen glares at Jake. Until Jake understands he should say something positive to his other son._

JAKE:   
Well Darian… ehem… do you know when is the next play of Quentin's football te… 

HELEN: _(cutting him off)_   
Jake, I had a phone call before dinner. It was the school psychologist.   
Our boys took a psychological test at school today. 

JAKE:   
WHAT? Did they found something against Quentin? Damnation! The same they did to me in my High School to keep me from a football career! 

HELEN:   
No it was about Darian. 

JAKE:   
Ah good…   
_(Helen glares at him even more)_   
I mean no… not good… not… again. 

HELEN:   
It is nothing severe, Jake. They just want Darian to take a special class for a few weeks. 

JAKE: _(startles)_   
*Special* class? You mean with *special*… 

HELEN:   
A special *self-esteem* class to improve his confidence, dear. 

JAKE:   
That really stinks! Since when does one my sons have low self-esteem? 

DARIAN: _(dry)_   
Don't worry. The self-esteem of the other son will balance it out again. 

JAKE:   
I will say! 

HELEN: _(angry)_   
Darian, not again! We tell you over and over again that you are as wonderful as your brother but you just don't want to get it.   
_(she slams her fists on table)_   
What is wrong with you???!! 

DARIAN: _(dry)_   
Sorry mom. 

HELEN: _(feeling guilty about her previous anger)_   
Look… you are in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. I am only asking you to be not so critical. Try not to judge people until you know them. Give people the benefit of the doubt.   
Make some friend… proper friends. Not like the last ones. 

DARIAN:   
What was wrong with them? _(beat, pretending he would regain forgotten memories)_   
…Ah yes they *blew* themselves up. 

JAKE:   
Oh by the way, did you got the fire-lighter back you have borrowed those two? 

DARIAN:   
No. The police still want to keep it as evidence.   
  


_END CHAPTER 1_

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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	2. part 2

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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_BEGIN CHAPTER 2_   
  


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SELF-ESTEEM CLASS WITH MR. O'NEILL   
_The class instructor Mr. O'Neill has written his name on the blackboard behind him. He addresses to the class._

O'NEILL:   
"Esteem". "A Teen". They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don't quite mesh. And that, in fact… 

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Oh dear Mr. Psychobabble.   
The whole point of a "special class" is, that all the outcast are stuck in one place so the normal students don't have to bother with them. Also it is easier for the school bullies to find new targets. 

_Darian looks around, commenting the poor souls who are with him in class._

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
What do we got here…   
A boy who mimics a cool guy with a "the Head" T-shirt   
A girl who mimics a rocker with a black leader jacked.   
A boy who mimics a rapper with a turnaround baseball cap.   
Face it guys:   
With the use of those popular mainstream culture icons, you are just trying to cover the fact that you are not accepted by the world for that what you are.   
Unfortunately I deserve to suffer with you, I am also guilty of mimicry. Hence the farce I tried to pull off in my history class… wasn't that girl over there also in my history class? 

_He looks at a girl wearing a red jacket and a black shirt. She has pale skin, red lips and blue eyes._   
_She notices him and glances at him for a moment._   
_He still gazes at the girl._   
_She gazes back at him with a "why-are-you-staring-at-me" look._

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
She is staring at me… Why?… Because I am staring at her for the last 15 seconds… 

_Ashamed Darian turns around. The teacher notices the abrupt movement of him._

O'NEILL:   
David? 

DARIAN:   
Eep. 

O'NEILL:   
Do you have a question? 

DARIAN:   
… Well I… 

O'NEILL:   
Sorry, but question and answer time is later. 

_Darian pulls a face._   
_Behind him, the girl with the blue eyes appears like she cannot decide to talk with him or not._   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_The class has ended. Darian is the last one who steps into the corridor._

DARIAN: _(mutters)_   
"Realizing your actuality"? "Proclaiming *I* *am*"?   
Some more of this psychobabble and Scientology looses its sting.   
What would I give to get away from this… 

_A boy with red hair, who was passing by, stops and introduces himself._

BOY:   
Hello. It happens to be, that we are visiting the same history class. The name is Chuck. 

DARIAN:   
Huh? Yes I remember you. They call you Upch… Chuck. 

UPCHUCK:   
Actually it is Charles Ruttheimer the Third. Ladies man. 

DARIAN: _(cynical)_   
*Of* *course*, and I am Darian Morgendorffer the First. Everybody's Nemesis. 

UPCHUCK:   
Well Darian, I notice your cravings to get away from this course. Maybe I can assist you. 

DARIAN:   
Against a financial benefit? 

UPCHUCK:   
You do come quickly to business… 

DARIAN:   
That is what I love about America. How and how much? 

UPCHUCK:   
I got the connections to get you the results of the self-esteem test. For the tiny relocation of 30$, you can take the exam in advance, and pass it 

DARIAN:   
30$? I haven't got so much on me right now.   
_(Darian sees how Quentin is walking at his direction)_   
Wait the bank has just opened. I see you tomorrow with the money. 

UPCHUCK: _(smiles and rubs his hands)_   
And I see you tomorrow with the test results. 

_Both walk in different directions. Darian catches up to Quentin._

DARIAN:   
Hey Quentin. 

QUENTIN: _(whispering)_   
Darian! What have I told you about meeting me in school? 

DARIAN:   
Nobody but us is here, and I am not wired. 

QUENTIN:   
Look I am busy. 

DARIAN:   
Me too, I am very concerned to keep up this only child policy of yours, which would do the Peoples Republic of China pound. 

QUENTIN:_ (trying to give an adequate answer)_   
Look we are not living in Tokyo. What do you want? 

DARIAN: _(rolling his eyes)_   
Can you lend me 30$? You know we had this special agreement: You are an only child. 

QUENTIN: _(defending himself)_   
Would you like to have a brother with a... a *thing*? 

DARIAN:   
No thank you, I have got already one. 

QUENTIN:_ (annoyed he gives him the notes)_   
Here, and in future: Talk to me at *home*. 

DARIAN:   
Of course my dearest *cousin*. 

_Darian walks off, Quentin sticks out his tongue behind Darian's back._   


INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – AFTERNOON   
_Darian enters and sees that his father is expecting him._

JAKE:   
How is the old self-esteem coming, kiddo? 

DARIAN: _(surprised)_   
Dad? What happened? It is not even 5:00 a.m. yet. Did the "New Economy" bubble burst and your company collapse this afternoon? 

JAKE:   
Nonsense Darian. "J-consultingdotcom" is flourishing, so I allowed myself to take the rest of the day off, so I can spend some quality time with my most favourite offspring. 

DARIAN:   
Shouldn't you be then throwing footballs with Quentin in the garden? 

JAKE:   
Uhm no! And besides, he isn't here… and even if, I should spend some time with you. 

DARIAN:   
Mom, told you to do some father-son bonding. 

JAKE:   
…Yes… Any ideas what we can do? 

DARIAN:   
We could build a tree house? 

JAKE: (surprised)   
Really? 

DARIAN:   
No. 

JAKE: (laughs)   
You really got me there. You are the greatest. 

_The laugh fades away and a painful silence of a dysfunctional father-son relationship takes its place._

DARIAN:   
…You want to play golf. 

JAKE:   
You can come with… 

DARIAN:   
So I can improve the eco-balance of your golf course? 

JAKE:   
Sure… What ever you want. 

DARIAN:   
And if I want to stay at home, at my computer, in my room? 

JAKE:   
That is okay; I won't force you to do anything. The last thing I want to do is to twist your words around to have my way. 

DARIAN:   
In that case prefer to stay in my room. Unless you insist to drag me somewhere. 

JAKE:   
Of course not! Do what you like… I still can go to the golf course then? 

DARIAN:   
Yes, bye dad. 

JAKE:   
Well, bye… I love you son. 

DARIAN:_(sarcastic)_   
I *love* you dad. 

_Clueless as always, Jake leaves with a golf bag the house. Darian sights sits on the sofa and switches with the remote the TV on._

SICK, SAD WORLD REPORTER VOICE OVER:   
U.F.O. conventions.   
Once sneered at as the domain of so-called kooks.   
Now big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people!   
People as sane and rational as you?   
Next on Sick, Sad World. 

_FADE TO_

INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Quentin and the 3 J's, that are Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, are standing at the lockers. They are in the middle of a conversation._

QUENTIN:   
I mean who she thinks she is? 

JOEY:   
She is Sandi, President of the Fashion Club and the most desired girl of the Lawndale High. 

JEFFY:   
So she is expecting a first class treatment. 

QUENTIN:   
With a fancy dinner? Seats at a concert? Renting a limo and stuff? That would cost a fortune. 

JAMIE: _(teasing him)_   
What is Quentin? Are you a tight duck? 

QUENTIN:   
Of course *not*. But I am saving up my allowance and holiday-job-money for something more *exquisite* than Sandi. 

_He opens his locker behind him and pulls out a magazine, which he shows to the 3 J's._

THE THREE J'S:   
Whoa! 

QUENTIN: _(smiles)_   
A beauty isn't it. 

_The magazine shows a picture of a sports car._   
_(For those who are familiar with "X-men: Evolution": It looks like the corvette of Scott Summers/Cyclops)_

THE THREE J'S:   
Whoa! The Sunray Corvette 98. 

QUENTIN:   
No. It is the Millennium edition: The Sunray Corvette 2000, which is available in 2 years. I have already pre-ordered one. It is red with white stripes. 

THE THREE J'S:   
WHOA! 

JOEY:   
Are your parents so good off? 

QUENTIN:   
Not exactly. It is just a pity, that my mom won't let me touch my college-money. But since the age of 10, I had a deal with my dad: If I save up to 6'000 $, he will pay the rest. So a couple of mounts work, and that baby is as good as mine! 

JEFFY:   
With that gear you would be… well the king of this high school. 

QUENTIN: _(smiles)_   
Yes I know. 

JAMIE:   
By the way Quentin. Since we all get along so fine… You would lend your Corvette to your homies of the football team. 

QUENTIN: _(emotionless and sinister)_   
Only over my dead body. 

_The 3 J's are intimidated by Quentin's tone of voice. Suddenly Quentin is called._

STACY VOICE OVER:   
Huh-huh! 

TIFFANY VOICE OVER:   
Qui-inn! 

QUENTIN: _(cold)_   
Excuse me. 

_He leaves the 3 J's._

JEFFY:   
Quentin is really popular with the girls. 

JOEY:   
I think Quentin is a bit *too* popular with the girls. 

JAMIE: _(grinning)_   
Hey! Why don't we make a photo of him under the shower and print a lot of nude-flyers? 

_Joey and Jeffy stare at Jamie._

JAMIE: _(ashamed)_   
Only an idea… forget it. 

JOEY: _(evil smirk)_   
I have got a better idea.   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SELF-ESTEEM CLASS WITH MR. O'NEILL   
_Mr. O'Neill and the class are sitting in a circle. On the blackboard stand the words: "Body Image"._

O'NEILL:   
Well that was the role-playing. Now the girls and the boys should be separated into different rooms. But sad to say Mrs. Manson couldn't make it today. So I am doing both classes… Very well then… 

_He pulls out a pack of cards._

O'NEILL:   
Each card holds a phrase, which concern the different aspects of the extensive subject of "Body Image".   
I choose random students to make statements how they feel about it; perhaps we can trigger then a discussion. Let's start. 

O'NEILL:   
Dario? 

DARIAN:   
It is Darian. 

O'NEILL: _(he pulls out a card from the pack)_   
Sorry. Here is your phrase: "Nocturnal Emissions." 

DARIAN: _(feeling threatened)_   
…I won't formulate any statement about that previous subject without my lawyers. 

O'NEILL:   
Oh, I am terribly sorry for the penitent brusque question. I didn't consider that you might be not old enough to undergo that particular little wonder of nature, every night. 

DARIAN: _(feeling hurt)_   
Excuse me! I am old enough! I just don't have this every night…   
_(realizing his careless use of words)_   
Eep! 

_All start laughing at him._

O'NEILL:   
No. Please stop. It is quite common not to have them regularly. 

_All laugh even more… including the girl with the blue eyes._   
_Being so humiliated Darian sinks in his chair and wished he could craw into a hole._   
  


_END CHAPTER 2_

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	3. part 3

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_COMMERCIAL BREAK_   
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_BEGIN CHAPTER 3_   
  


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
The class has ended. Darian steps into the corridor. 

DARIAN: _(mutters)_   
This must be hell. 

_Upchuck approaches him._

UPCHUCK:   
Bonjour, mon cher ami. 

DARIAN:   
This is hell. Hey. 

_Upchuck hands over a file to Darian._

UPCHUCK:   
Voilà, le petite dossier pour vous. That would be 30$ please. 

DARIAN:   
Money is such an universal languages… If you won't mind I would like to browse the test first. 

UPCHUCK:   
Be my guest. 

DARIAN: _(reads out loud)_   
Question 1: "Self-esteem is important because…" 

_Darian doesn't read the following answer. He looks away from the sheet and mumbles._

DARIAN: _(guessing)_   
It is good to manage the tasks of your daily life. 

_He looks back at the sheet to read the answer._

DARIAN: _(reads out loud)_   
"It is a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives." 

UPCHUCK:   
Huh? 

DARIAN: _(reads out loud)_   
Question 2: "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..." 

_Again Darian doesn't read the following answer. He looks away and mumbles._

DARIAN: _(guessing)_   
Realizing your actuality, you must say to yourself, that you are something special and unique. 

He looks back at the sheet. 

DARIAN: _(reads out loud)_   
"Look at yourself in the mirror and say: You are special. No one else is like you." 

UPCHUCK:   
What the…? 

DARIAN: _(reads out loud)_   
Question 3 "There's no such thing..." 

_Darian does the same procedure like before._

DARIAN: _(guessing)_   
As a general body images. You are, what you are. It is right, when you stand proudly and proclaim: "I am." 

_He looks back._

DARIAN:_ (reads out loud)_   
As the right weight or the right height. There is only what is right for me, because me is who I am. 

UPCHUCK:   
How do you do that? How could you guess the answers? 

DARIAN:   
The answers are obvious; all this self-esteem psychobabble is so predictable. 

UPCHUCK:   
You are right. You can find kind of psycho talk in the "Cosmopolitan"…. I mean not that I read it… did you? 

DARIAN:   
No. This is a different thing. It is spontaneous and it is called "astuteness". I guess I don't need the your test answers. 

_He hand Upchuck the file back._

UPCHUCK:   
But, I thought we had a deal. The 30$... 

DARIAN:   
… Which will remain mine. Thank you very much. 

_Darian leaves Upchuck and walks back into the classroom._   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SELF-ESTEEM CLASS WITH MR. O'NEILL   
_Darian enters and walks to O'Neill who is looking for a paper in his suitcase._

O'NEILL:   
Do you still need clarification on something we covered today? Like the noc… 

DARIAN: _(deadpan)_   
No, I am bursting with self-esteem. I want to take the graduation test right now. 

O'NEILL:   
Now that is a confound coincidence. You are not the only one. 

_Darian turns around and notice that the girl with the blue eyes is sitting alone in class._   
_Mr. O'Neill pulls out papers from this suitcase and hand them over to Darian and the girl._

O'NEILL:   
It is not the way we usually do it, but it seems you self-images meters must be both on the uptick! You and …Penny Lane. 

_The girl with the blue eyes raises her eyebrows._

O'NEILL:   
Oh sorry.. I mean Tren… no… uhh. 

GIRL WITH THE BLUE EYES:   
Jane Lane. 

O'NEILL:   
Ah yes of course You know, you look familiar somehow. 

_Darian couldn't help to gaze at her. And Jane answers his attitude with a "why-are-you-staring-at-me-again" look._

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Jane…   
… is staring at me… Why?… Because I am staring at her again… 

_Ashamed Darian turns around, takes a seat and starts the test._

_LATER_

INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE   
_Nearly all students of the Lawndale High are present. Darian and Jane stand behind Mr. O'Neill, who is in front of a podium, speaking to the audience._

O'NEILL:   
… so please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to:   
Darian Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. 

_Weak applause from the audience._

JANE: _(mutters)_   
Oh, what the hell. 

_Darian looks how Jane walks to the podium._

JANE: _(speaking to the audience)_   
I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. 

_Quick she glances at Darian, and gives him a smile. A smile Darian should never forget._   
_She turns back to the audience_

JANE:   
On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad… like a big failure or something… I… uhh… I want to go home. 

_She fakes a nervous breakdown and sobs while running off stage._   
_The audience starts to laugh, while she is chased by a worried Mr. O'Neill._

O'NEILL:   
Daria, wait! 

_Although Jane's previous smile to Darian was only for indicating an upcoming gag. Darian should never forget it for his entire life._   
_Meanwhile Darian isn't aware, that the whole school is staring at him, how he has a "Mona-Lisa" smile, which is good because it would be rather embarrassing, of showing so much passion on stage, when you are not in a play._   
_Darian walks like in trance to the podium, gets a hold of himself, clears his throat and starts a speech._

DARIAN:   
No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes… 

JOEY VOICE OVER:   
Hold on a second! 

_The 3 J's dressed in their football gear, storm on stage and take the microphone from Darian away._

JAMIE:   
GO LAWWWNDALE LIONS! GO! 

_The audience starts to cheer._

JEFFY:   
We have got some important announcements to make on behalf of our the newest member of the Lawndale Lion:   
QUENTIN MORGENDORFFER. 

JAMIE:   
Since he is not only new in the team, but also new in the town. It is important to know some facts about him. 

JOEY: _(holding up a file)_   
We found those facts in this copy of his permanent record. 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE   
_Quentin sits between Tiffany and Stacy. Behind them is Sandi._

QUENTIN:   
Eep! 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE 

JAMIE:   
First:   
He is 14 years old. 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE 

STACY: _(gasps, close to hyperventilation)_   
You are 14! Not 15? That means I am older than you! 

QUENTIN:   
No, I meant: I am 14 a *half*. 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE 

JEFFY:   
Second:   
His second name is "LOU". 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE 

TIFFANY: _(disgusted)_   
Ewww what for a geeky name. It sounds so …faaaaaat. 

SANDI:   
Lou? Isn't that a girls name? 

QUENTIN:   
GAH! 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE 

JOEY:   
And third:   
He is the *little* brother of no one else, than the dude who is standing here. 

_The 3 J's grin while they point with their fingers at Darian._

DARIAN: _(quiet)_   
Eep! 

_The audience reacts; laughter mixes with disbelieve._

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – AUDIENCE 

QUENTIN: _(biting his teeth, he sinks in his chair)_   
GAH DAMMIT! 

STACY: _(shocked)_   
He and you??? 

TIFFANY: _(disgusted)_   
Eww. 

SANDI: _(smirks)_   
That brain is your big brother.   
Well you know what they say: The apple doesn't falls far away from the tree. 

STACY AND TIFFANY: _(both moving away from Quentin)_   
EWWWWW! 

QUENTIN: _(still biting his teeth, glaring at the 3 J's)_   
You guys are so dead! I kill you guys. I kill you! 

_CUT TO:_   
INT. AUDITORIUM OF THE LAWNDALE HIGH – STAGE 

JAMIE:   
I hope knowing these facts would make it easier for you, to buddy up on him. Because now he is part of the Lawndale Lions Family! 

THE 3 J'S:   
GO LAWWWNDALE LIONS! GO! 

_The 3 J's snicker and leave the stages, while the audience starts groaning._

DARIAN: _(mutters)_   
There goes my extortion source. 

_Knowing that the audience isn't paying attention now. Darian decides to put no further effort into his speech.._

DARIAN:   
To make it short:   
Self-Esteem good. Inflation bad.   
Thank you.   


INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – KITCHEN – EVENING   
_Jake, Helen, Quentin and Darian are having again a lasagne-dinner._

QUENTIN: _(outraged)_   
Suddenly those creeps Joey, Jeffy and… Jaffa came on stage and pointed out that Darian is my brother! 

HELEN:   
That is really sweet of your friends. 

QUENTIN:   
They are no more my friends. They are dead! I am dead! Gaaaaah! _(he slams fists on table)_   
I have to move into another town or I have to lock myself in my room until I die!   
I will end up like Darian. 

_Darian doesn't reacts. He is sticking his fork into lasagne still thinking of the smile Jane gave to him_

HELEN:   
QUENTIN! Jake! Speak with him! 

_She walks to the sink to get the salad._

JAKE:   
What are you so upset about, exactly? 

QUENTIN:   
*Eww*. They made fun of me in front of my whole school. 

JAKE:   
My congratulations Quentin! 

QUENTIN:   
Congratulations???!! 

JAKE:   
Now you really are a part of your football team. Making fun of team colleagues is a wonderful high school experience. Fooling around with your team friends, playing pranks, receiving pranks.   
I remember how I got tricked in high school by team sport members… it always made me believe that I belonged to them. _(a little tear emerges from Jake's eye)_

QUENTIN:   
Hmm, you said playing pranks and receiving pranks? _(an evil smirk unfolds on Quentin's face)_ Excuse me I have to make a phone call. 

_Quentin stands up and walks off screen to a telephone._

QUENTIN VOICE OVER:   
Hello, Corey… do you have a Polaroid?… 

JAKE:   
Ah high school pranks from high school friends. Irreplaceable memories for life. 

_Somehow Jake felt like a Super-Dad. So he turns to Darian._

JAKE:   
So kiddo. You made any friends yet? 

DARIAN: _(still digging in his food with a fork)_   
Huh… not yet. 

JAKE: _(he twinkles his eye)_   
Perhaps a *girlfriend*? 

DARIAN: _(embarrassed)_   
DAD! 

JAKE: _(grins)_   
*All* *right*. 

_Normally Darian would glare at his dad, but he was to embarrassed about that, what Jake was indicating._   


INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR   
_Darian sees how Jane takes some books out of her locker. He walks up to her and takes a deep breath._

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Hey Jane. 

DARIAN: _(mute)_   
… 

JANE: _(noticing him, she turns towards him)_   
Hey Darian. 

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Can't speak... Must speak... 

DARIAN:   
…Hey. 

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Neat stunt you pulled off yesterday in the auditorium. 

DARIAN: (nudges)   
Neat… you… yesterday… auditorium. 

JANE:   
Well... your weren't bad either. Were you behind the scheme to uncover your brother as a poser, with the help of those 3 preppy boys? 

DARIAN VOICE OVER:   
Yes, I have used money… mind control… cheese…   
…   
Darian this is the voice of your confidence speaking:   
Do you have realised that till now you appear to her as a total dunce? So say whatever you are thinking, SAY IT! 

DARIAN:   
…No. 

JANE: _(unimpressed by the conversation till now)_   
Aha. 

DARIAN VOICE OVER: _(sarcastic)_   
*Congratulations*! 

DARIAN:   
...Congratulations… for passing the self-esteem test. 

JANE:   
Well no sweat, I have already taken that course six times. And I got all the test-answers in my notebook and memorized. 

DARIAN:   
Huh, but when you could pass the test, why you kept on visiting the course? 

JANE:   
I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special. What about you? 

DARIAN:   
That was an error by the school psychologist. I don't have low self-esteem. I have low esteem for everyone else. 

Darian nearly puts his hand in front of his mouth, regretting his last self-important statement, but Jane seems to like it. 

JANE: _(snickers)_   
Good one Darian. 

DARIAN:   
Yeah. 

JANE:   
Well one day… I don't know… I was watching "Sick Sad World" and suddenly I had this mental picture to spend my afternoons at UFO-conventions instead at self-esteem courses. So I decided to make the test. Weird huh? 

DARIAN:   
Yeah. I have decided to make the test because I found out that knowing self-esteem and having self-esteem are not the same… 

JANE:   
Your words in Gods ear… 

DARIAN:   
… 

JANE: _(gives him a tiny smile)_   
Well, I have to go now. Nice talking to you, bye. 

DARIAN:   
Bye. 

_She walks off and nearly bumps into Upchuck, who is carrying a huge box._

UPCHUCK:   
Excuse me my *prrrrrrecious* Jane. 

JANE:   
Excuse *me* my soon-to-be-dead Upchuck. 

_Darian couldn't help to look how Jane exits the school. Upchuck approaches him._

UPCHUCK:   
My 30$??? 

DARIAN:   
My 30$!!! 

UPCHUCK:   
Look I need the 30$ for my stand at the Lawndale UFO-convention. 

DARIAN:   
Lawndale UFO-convention? 

UPCHUCK:   
Yes I try to get rid of my "Independence Day" Trading Card Collection, mint condition. 

DARIAN:   
The Trading Card Collection of "Independence Day"? "ID4"? I never heard of that. 

UPCHUCK:   
And neither does the public, they are almost worthless. But ones trash is the others holy grail. 

DARIAN: _(looks at the door Jane walked out)_   
A UFO-convention you say. Do you need perhaps an associate? 

UPCHUCK:   
You as my associate? I could use someone with your intellect at my stand. But it doesn't make any difference about our deal. You still own me 30$. 

DARIAN:   
And that 30$ should pay your expenses. 

UPCHUCK:   
My expenses? 

DARIAN:   
Uh huh. I charge 30$ an afternoon. 

UPCHUCK:   
Darian, I think this is the beginning of a lucrrrrrrative cooperation. 

DARIAN:   
That is what I love about America. 

_The two walk to the exit._

_FADE OUT._

THE END 

  
  
  


_MUSIC: "SELF-ESTEEM" BY "THE OFFSPRING"_   
_CLOSING CREDITS._   
__ __

END NOTES:   
There will be 12 Episodes, which will range from Season 1 to Season 5 of the original Daria series. All the other episodes are skipped, since I have got no intention to rewrite 65 episodes and 2 TV-movies.   
If you have any questions, corrections and/or comments, then please E-Mail me under: ace_trax@yahoo.de   
When you want to see the fanart then go to: www.geocities.com/ace_trax/AlternateHistory__

DISCLAIMER:   
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.   
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the legal rights to use their material. This fanfiction story was done without   
authorization, permission or approval by their respective copyright owners. 

AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:   
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:   
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted stuff, but I do own the whole rest. Those are all the novel words and   
syntax, which make the story.   
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without any financial interests.   
Any financial or other uses of this document without the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners) are forbidden.   
Text Copyright © 2004, Ace Trax. All rights reserved. 

THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:   
Thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes". 


End file.
